IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING

Well I am back in the land of the living and still have no idea why I was out. I can’t say I feel 100% because I would be lying but I have made it through half of a workday and I am pretty sure that I will make it through the rest just fine. If I am still feeling off in the head by mid-week I’m calling the dr. again.

Needless to say things have been pretty uneventful since my last post. My bloodwork was perfect. I guess that is good to know but since I felt imperfect I was kind of hoping for some validation and tangible illness. I did run a fever on Friday, which was my first measurable symptom and I was very excited about that. I watched a bunch of movies, many of which helped to confirm that I was not feeling well. Can I just say how much I LOVED The Gameplan! Yes, that is the movie where The Rock is a football player and his unknown daughter appears on his doorstep. Man did it ever make me cry. Then again, every movie makes me cry. I can’t really remember the last movie I watched that didn’t get me a little choked up.

I did manage to go to the grocery store on Sunday and made a delicious fruit salad. Even though it isn’t Friday I feel like sharing food stuffs cause it’s all I got.

• 1 container strawberries, halved (obviously Monica was not coming over)
• 1 container blueberries
• 2 pluots chopped
• 2 nectarines chopped
• 3 kiwi chopped
• 2 banana chopped

It would have been great just like that but during my time confined to my bed I saw this lady, whose name I never remember but she is the Healthy eating lady with short dark hair and blue eyes, make the best looking fruit salad dressing ever so I had to have a fruit salad. I now want to put this dressing on everything because I haven’t had anything so yummy in a long time

• 2 tbsp honey
• Zest of one lime
• Juice of one lime

Stir and put on EVERYTHING
Awesome

1. Identity/ Identity is the crisis you can’t see/ Identity/ Identity

2. Did I/ See a moment/ With you/ In a half-lit world

3. Ghost, ghost I know you live within me/ Feel as you fly/ In thunderclouds above the city/ Into one that I

4. I’m tired of wasting gas living above the planet/ Mister show me the way to earth/ The boys from quadrant 44 with their vicious metal hounds don’t come round here no more.

5. Downtown/ We’ll drown/ We’re in our never splendor/ Flowers/ Showers/ Whose got the new boy gender

CONFERENCE TALK PART IV- THE FINAL CHAPTER

For my final installation of Conference Talk I want to speak a little about the session that had the greatest emotional impact on me. It was a session facilitated by former youth in care (I think they had all aged out but I’m not positive) and they presented their “digital stories” about their growing up and becoming who they are. They were incredibly powerful. Despite being only about 3 minutes long each, the stories gave a clear and concise picture of the student and the changes in their lives. They all expressed different emotions looking at their stories (which had been made years earlier) and how they may or may not have changed them if they could. One of the students said she had only watched her story once after it was done and had another student present it for her. She spent the time it was on under her hoodie and looking down. One of my favorites was Captain’s story. A line from the piece was (and I quote but may misquote) “There are three sisters who make up the man you see before you.” I thought there was something very beautiful about that sentiment. The awareness of different aspects of the self is common but to be able to articulate it so well at such a young age was really nice to see. I wanted to put some of the stories up on the post today but You need QuickTime (I think) to view them and I don’t have it on this computer so instead you can just click on the youth training project website and browse around if you so desire.

This group of young people also works closely with caregivers and youth workers to better educate them on the needs of youth in care. As I am sure we all know, what you may think is the right thing for people may not actually be the right thing for them. They are working to get more groups of young people to be heard within the system and to make sure that their needs are met. Far too often the voices of the people who need help are not heard and instead things are imposed upon them.

On another note, Thanksgiving was completely awesome. While some of our guests may have been a little scared of the continuous playing of Dance Dance Revolution Extreme 2 (If anyone has Extreme and wants to give it to me they should because the songs on it are much better) and the singing of karaoke ("The Girl Is Mine" was our hit closely followed by "Zombie"), we all still managed to have a great time. The food was awesome! Even carnivorous folk were chowing down on the Turkey Tofu. I think it is all pretty much gone at this point. I think I may be able to squeeze one more meal out of it but that’s about all I can hope for. Yesterday, I took the last of the mashed potatoes and made delicious croquettes with them. I made balls about 1-2 inches in diameter and put a little square of Swiss cheese in the middle. Then I dipped them in eggbeaters, rolled them in breadcrumbs, and dropped them in some hot oil for about a minute. They were sooooo yummy! The cheese in the middle got all gooey and wonderful and the outside was nice and crisp while the inside was all piping hot and full of mushy goodness. I think I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow. I am debating about making more Turkey Tofu because I loved it and don’t know if I got enough. Dave’s delicious challah is nice and hard and I can use it to make more stuffing. Tony requested more mashed potatoes so maybe we’ll have an extra Thanksgiving feast just cause. I hope everyone had a wonderful time with whomever they were with and ate until they exploded.

Let’s Name That Tune:

1. Just Like a paper tiger, torn apart by idle hands, through the helter skelter morning, fix yourself while you still can. Paper Tiger, Beck. Identified by Jaclyn

2. Hooray I awake from yesterday alive but the war is here to stay. 1983...A Merman I Should Be, Jimi Hendrix (probably my favorite song of all time). Identified by Mom.

3. The lights are off again, she took me by surprise. She’s so sensitive, shit just happens sometimes.

4. There’ll be no darkness tonight lady our love will shine lighting the night

5. Everybody’s looking at me. Feeling paranoid inside. When I step outside I’ll feel free. Think I’ll find a place to hid.

CONFERENCE TALK PART III

To finish up what I started yesterday, I wanted to continue on the discussion of working with trans youth. I mentioned the binary theory of gender yesterday and, oddly, the same facilitator who was critiquing this mode of thinking found a lot of success with an assessment too utilizing this method. Admittedly, she is looking for another way to do this assessment with a less cut and dry definition but it is hard.

When clients come to her questioning their gender identity she has them work on a graph. Male is at one end and female at the other. They place themselves on the graph in various ways including where they want to be, where they think they are now, and what aspects of themselves they think push them one way or another. Some things she found often were that people who feel their minds do not match their bodies often hate the secondary sex characteristics that develop during adolescence. There are even treatment options that include hormone therapy that delays puberty so that the client will have more time to decide where they want to be on the gender scale. However, this therapy is rather expensive and not often utilized so there have not been many studies that talk about its effectiveness. She also has clients do a line graph where they evaluate their happiness with themselves in other aspects of life including: physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual, and sexual. She always uses 10in lines because they are easily translatable into percentages. Genius. They use two colors to denote where they are and where they want to be. The assessments are redone periodically throughout sessions to help bring people to their personal goals.

Something I found fascinating was the discussion of the development of gender identity. Using typical stages of development it is commonly in the psychological community accepted that gender identity is formed when a child is between three and five. Yet, for a trans youth, they are not allowed to affirm their identity until they are 18. Even though they have probably known who they truly are for over a decade by that point. I can understand when you are talking about something like sexual reassignment surgery that you want to be sure. However, the process is so involved already (you have to have “passed” for a certain period of time (1-2 yrs I think), have been through a series of psychological evaluations, and some other stuff that is on my handouts at home) that you would think if a person had been through all those things at a younger age that some exception could possibly be made. The steps to getting hormone therapy also include having “passed” for sometime which seems like it could be hard particularly since the hormones are often needed for someone to pass effectively. So many youth have turned to the black market to get hormones and therefore aren’t properly monitored in dosage and risk factors that it seems almost too much to me.

There was also some discussion of how indigenous cultures tend to revere people who display characteristics of both sexes. Various names for what can often be translated as a “two-spiritedness’ exist in many cultures across the globe. These people were often celebrated and seen as blessed. However, as the level of colonization increases there is virtually a direct correlation in the decrease in the visibility and celebration of these people. One of the attendees from Hawaii said there is a long standing tradition of trans behavior and virtually every family has someone who has adopted that way of living. It makes so much sense to talk about this as a natural part of life and celebrate differences than to categorize and label and diagnose people simply for being who they are.

I will now segue in a completely disjointed manner to a talk of thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. Last year was the first year that I cooked. It was only for Tony and I. This year we have a flock of people scheduled to come by. I think it is the main meal for only 4-5 of us but many are planning to stop over after they eat with families. I am a little nervous when I think about it. I have butterflies. I hope they bring beverages. I hope I can find enough things to put food in. I hope that everything works. I think it should. I started cooking my Turkey Tofu (that’s what my never eaten meat self eats) last night and froze it (because it is supposed to give a better texture) for the first time. I hope it works. Dave will be bringing a ham for the meat eaters (that eat ham) and Monica or Brian will be putting together a turkey. We’ll gave roasted garlic mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce with a little orange, challah, green bean casserole (cause it’s funny), mushroom spinach pie, mac n’ cheese, collard greens, and some sort of dessert that has yet to be figured out. Tony wants pecan pie I don’t and Monica will die if she eats it. I think Dave may be making a gravy cake. Monica wants a pumpkin loaf with vanilla ice cream. I don’t care. It will be an interesting time. I hope all of your holidays are as fun filled, unpredictable, and exciting as I hope mine will be.

To ring in the holiday cheer, let’s listen to some classic holiday tunes of thanks and love.

Pale Purple, Ani DiFranco- Well the song is a little depressing but has a feeling of honesty about the lack of community ties in modern America. I guess that is kind of what Thanksgiving is about getting over. It’s about bringing people together in a celebration of our uniqueness and our differences.

Disarm, Smashing Pumpkins- Huh, I’m a little stumped on how to relate this one to Thanksgiving. Well, let’s talk chorus. It talks about the trails and tribulations of growing up and facing the world and reaching out for someone you care about and maybe having them reject you. This is the poor guy who is eating a hungry man dinner all alone. Let’s invite him over.

Stutter, Elastica- Man, this keeps getting harder and harder. I don’t think I am going to try with this one, partly because I can’t really understand enough of the lyrics to pull something out of my ass. I’ll just say the 90s are awesome.

CONFERENCE TALK PART II

The next few days of the conference, I spent most of my time in sessions about working with trans youth. I felt this was the area where I had the least experience and information so, since I was there to learn, I thought I would. The first thing we did in session was to introduce ourselves. Our facilitator asked that when doing introductions to use this format: name, gender, sexual orientation, what gender pronouns we prefer, and what we do for work. I found it rather nice. There were about 15 people in the room. I was one of the three heterosexual people. After introductions, our facilitator asked how we felt about it and the two other heterosexuals said they felt very uncomfortable, embarrassed, and put on the spot. She said heterosexuals often feel that way because we aren’t used to have to identify ourselves because we live in an a culture where what is assumed about us is generally correct. I kind of thought maybe I liked it because what people assume about me racially is generally incorrect and that maybe if introductions with a bunch of personal information were common I would avoid a lot of anger and resentment at being around in some conversations. I know racial orientation and sexual orientation aren’t the same thing and don’t contain the same issues, but a lot of what they were talking about in the trans sessions I could draw a lot of parallels with in the racial struggles in this country. Mostly in reference to the ideas of passing, assumed status, and a feeling of constantly being marginalized.

Another very interesting thing we discussed was “gender identity disorder”. By classifying it as a disorder, many people who want to transition are able to get supported by their insurance. If they cannot be diagnosed it falls under cosmetic surgery and is generally not given any assistance. Many things tend to be labeled as disorders because they begin to be studied under clinical situations but when dealing with people who are not institutionalized, the nomenclature remains the same. Also many people, with reason, don't like to be labled as having a disorder for simply being themselves. I could be wrong, but I think it was fairly recently that homosexuality was no longer considered a psychological problem. I wonder if transsexualism (is that even a word?) will follow that path and, if it does, how that will change the accessibility of surgery.

According to our facilitator, the trans population is the most marginalized in the LGBTQ community and often studies thabout LGBTQ issues often don’t deal with the “T” very much. Although I don't have a ton of background that would make sense to me. Unfortunately we didn’t have the chance to really get into the root cause of that. One theory is that because it is a more minor group of a minority population that there isn’t as much material or research to write about. Also, because trans can mean so many different things, it often depends on who is doing a study as to what definition is used. Generally people tend to operate on what they called the binary model of gender. That model states that there is male and female and that you can’t be in-between (unless you are talking about intersex individuals which is an entirely other subject) and that model leaves out many of the people who identify as trans. From our discussion, it seems there is work being done to change the way we think about gender as a whole and to almost reclassify the binary definition.

I want to end with one of my favorite quotes from the first session on trans youth. I’ll continue with the second session tomorrow. They talked a lot about how most it is easier to accept a F-M transition in our society than a M-F because of the power dynamics in American culture. Then a discussion followed about hostility in the lesbian community toward those who chose to transition. One of the people in the group said “All the good butch dykes are transitioning”. I don’t really know why that was my favorite quote but I found something about it really funny. Maybe because I was taken back to racial discussions about all the good black men dating outside the race, or maybe it was just the tone in her voice when she said it (it was with a chuckle), or maybe because I know and work with plenty of people who would classify themselves as butch or studs and they would never consider transitioning because it isn’t who they are. I don’t think it matters. More to come tomorrow.

Oh, the song I couldn’t remember yesterday was Once, Twice, Seven Times a Werewolf by Half Handed Cloud. Now I’ll see where the music takes me.

Cigarettes, X-Ray Spex- There is something wonderfully dated about X-Ray Spex. From what I know they ended in the late 70s but to me they sound real 1984. I really like it though. I have to credit Tony with this band. I would have never listened to anything punkish if it weren’t for him and I like a lot of that stuff.

Welcome to Paradise, Green Day- Ok, I like Dookie. I don’t care how awful and lame that is and many people would tell me to go and hide my head in the sand but I’m going to own it. I love the 90s. Remember how I just said I wouldn’t listen to anything punkish if it weren’t for Tony. That statement still counts because although some people will tell you Dookie is a punk album, and there are elements of punk in it, it just doesn’t really qualify. Those people are wrong and so not punk rock. I’m not punk rock either but at least I don’t pose and pretend I am because I like Dookie.

Reptile, Nine Inch Nails- Wow, I am kind of a lame today. I am actually quite a lame everyday but sometimes my music doesn’t reflect how bad I am. To make myself even more of a dork I will admit that I listened to all of Live Through This on the way to work this morning. I didn’t sing along because people that sing on the train during rush hour are really annoying. Still, no one really should have the nerve to listen to that entire album in 2006. Whatever.

CONFERENCE TALK PART I

Ok, I have finally settled into life again and can get back to regular business. I have been thinking about how to talk about the Finding Better Ways, LGBTQ Youth In Care conference since I got back and it is hard to know how to begin. I decided to just kind of start at the beginning and end at the end. Maybe that will change as time goes on but, for now, it makes the most sense.

For a little bit of background, there is a disproportional large number of LGBTQ youth in the system when compared to the general population. There are many hypothesis as to why this is, the most common of which is that many parents are less able to deal with their LGBTQ child and, therefore, either are more likely to abuse the child and have them taken away or to turn them over to the system because the parent is not able to deal with their child. If these reasons are true or not, I don’t know. But I do know that the numbers are what they are.

The first speaker was Dr. Gary Mallon who has apparently done the majority of work on this issue in the last 20 or so years. I couldn’t believe the way that they used to treat youth in the system years ago. Maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising, as I know attitudes have progressed significantly over that period of time (and we know we still have a way to go) but it made me want to cry for the lack of support and stability that these kids were experiencing. Growing up in care is never easy. Generally, people have a minimum of 5 placements during their time in the system. LGBTQ kids generally were experiencing 15-20 placements. If someone was in foster care when they came out, the attitude for many years was “save the family, remove the kid.” They would then be sent to a group home. Needless to say, a group home is not the best place for anyone to grow up. Then, they would be shuttled around to many different group homes because no one wanted to handle their case. The most common reason for removing a gay youth was that the other boys would beat him up and it was for his own safety. A lesbian youth would instead have to be removed for the reason that she would “take over” the group home and turn the other girls to lesbians.

Sexual activity of any kind is prohibited in a group home. For those of us who know anything about stages of adolescent development, we know that some sexual experimentation is not only normal but is healthy. For both heterosexual and homosexual youth this environment causes developmental issues. Of course everyone knows that sexual activity does occur in a group home setting but the punishment is generally quite severe and ranges from a loss of privilege (similar to a typical grounding), to room arrest, counseling, medication, and possibly expulsion from the home. Most people aren’t going to get kicked out of their house for some heavy petting. They also had a really nice term for same sex, sexual behavior. It was called “homosexual acting out” and was seen as expected since the children in the homes had already had difficult lives. Not because some of them may have preferred same sex relationships. There were no trainings, no discussions between staff, and no guidelines about how to talk to the youth about their sexual experiences regardless of the sex of their partner. Then, letting the staff “handle it however they saw fit”, which usually was to remove the youth from the home and we all know how foolish that is.

I guess that first session really made me think how far the system has come while knowing, from my own experience how far it has to go. I have been working with one lesbian young woman who completely despises gay men. The point of having workers who can talk to the youth about their thoughts and feelings is crucial. One thing I thought of is how I, as a straight woman, can talk to the youth. I can use the stereotypical and often flawed reason that I can’t be prejudiced because “some of my best friends are gay’ but I don’t want to be that person. I have been somewhat effective simply because I am an open and educated person that doesn’t limit myself in discussions. However, I wished there were more sessions at the conference dealing with that issue. There was one on heterosexism and how that limits you and your work but, maybe I am tooting my own horn, I didn’t think I needed that. Maybe I did, but I don’t think so. Some people there seemed curious as to why I cared about the issues. To me, you don’t necessarily have to be a member of the group to be a member of the movement. To me there are civil rights issues to be discussed and that is always important.

Ok I am at work and it is past time for me to go home and I don’t feel like typing any more. I still have a lot to talk about from the conference but not now. I’m not even going to talk music because it’s late and I need to go home but I will identify the songs that have not been guessed.

1. Cars and girls are easy come by in this day and age. Laughing, joking, drinking, smoking, till I've spent my wage. Over Under Sideways Down, The Yardbirds

2. A pretty girl is like a minstrel show. It makes you laugh. It makes you cry. You go. A Pretty Girl Is Like, Magnetic Fields

5. Before I go to sleep can I be excused from dreaming? Ok this is bogus because I forgot what song this was. I’ll figure it out.