Lakeiya and I just had a conversation about faith. She has a lot of faith. I have none. We’re still friends though. She told me that it is impossible for someone to truly have no faith; that someone has to have faith in something be it God, themselves, or other people. I disagreed. I think that in some way you will always fail yourself, others will always fail you, and there is no proof of a God to lean on so there is nothing to have faith in. I don’t say there is no God because in all honesty, I don’t know if there is or not. I do know that it doesn’t matter either way because I’m not able to put my faith in the unknown.
The ability to put your faith in something unknown is something I admire and respect. I was telling Lakeiya that I think it would be easier to be able to have faith. Not that I am saying that being truly faithful is an easy task, I’ve seen people try and it obviously is a struggle. However, to be able to believe in something untouchable involves, as she said, a commitment and surrender that requires extreme dedication. I get that. Even so, faith gives you meaning and purpose. If I could live a life where I would get meaning and purpose shown to me I gladly would. It just doesn’t work that way.
There was a time when I thought very seriously about getting into religion. I thought it was something that might help me get direction and answers in life. I examined different religious groups and none of them showed me any real truth although they all had aspects I liked and respected. They all had hints of truth. However, I’m the kind of person who needs the truth to come up and smack me in the face. I like scientific fact. No religion could do that for me. I can’t just accept something as truth unless I really believe it with everything I have. In all honesty, there is nothing worse than someone who says they have religion and yet isn’t completely sure. I wasn’t going to be that person.
Could you imagine waking up every day doubting your beliefs? You would spend the morning thinking about things and eventually convince yourself yet again that your faith was reasonable and correct and be happy until the next morning when you are unsure all over again? That isn’t the kind of life I would want to live. I have to instead be content to believe that all I have to rely on is me and those around me. At the same time I know that we are not infallible and mistakes will be made and people will be hurt.
I have to be comfortable with the idea that things might utterly and completely fall apart and that nothing but me and those I love will be there to help me get back on my feet. I know that if everything falls apart that I will eventually put something back together again that works because I am a rational and intelligent person. I have to be able to examine my sadness and my failures and love and cherish them until they become such a part of me that I can let them go and leave them behind. Nothing will help me do that other than me. If I can’t embrace my pain and suffering I know that it will consume me and ultimately bring about my demise. I am ok with that. It’s all on me. It’s no one else’s responsibility than my own and if I fail it is my fault. In a way, I find that comforting.
Lakeiya mentioned that it would be hard for her to live without the faith that there was some purpose to it all. I find it rather easy. To me, you just enjoy yourself and try to be a good person because your actions will inspire others to enjoy themselves and be good people and that is all we can expect. When I am gone, maybe the little bit of goodness and happiness I put out into the cosmos will do some good for someone else. To me, that is enough. I don’t need some mystical reason for me to be here nor do I see why some mystical being would want me around. I don’t need life to have some grand purpose because the creation of life was all a matter of chance so why would there be a greater purpose to it? I don’t need or expect eternal rewards for being the only way I can be, which is as good as possible but full of mistakes. Then again, I wouldn’t eternal reward down if it was offered. To some people that kind of life without real purpose seems empty and meaningless. To me it seems like something to keep living for.
She Makes Me Wanna Die, Tricky- I think this is such a romantic and wonderful song. It doesn’t hurt that it also sounds incredibly hot.
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes, Crosby Stills Nash and Young- This is one of my favorite songs of all time. It speaks truth, it speaks love, and it speaks pain. It also has a great beat and you can dance to it.
ABC, The Jackson Five- What a nice group of songs for today! This one just makes me smile because there is something so wonderful and hopeful about an adorable child singing about things they obviously don’t know about. We’ll ignore the fact that the adorable child grew up to be insane.