Tuesday, October 16, 2007

10 SNOGGABLE FICTIONAL MALES

Cassandra, Customized Training Assistant, seems to be doing well. Today we played find the files. It was not an easy game. Before we moved offices things were exactly where I expected them to be. Now, not only do I not know where files are, no one seems to know. As we have an audit coming up relatively soon and are missing a few (and I mean very few) files, this could prove to be a problem. We have some good people trying to help locate them though so it should all be ok. The Volunteer Coordinator resigned after her first day. I am really pissed. Anyway.

Blog Antagonist had this really interesting meme up a while ago about 10 literary characters that you would want to make out with. Being quite a reader, I thought that I would have no problems with this whatsoever. I actually found it to be quite hard. I could only come up with four (and that was a challenge only two were easy) so I really take no responsibility for anyone five and after. I had to push the envelope a little bit. You are all probably going to now find me a very odd individual. See, here is the thing. Most of the books I love aren’t teeming with positive male characters that I would want to make out with. In fact, many of the books that I love have pretty horrible men in them. I like books about bad people. Oh well.

1. Valentine Michael Smith, Stranger in a Strange Land
Ah, the man from Mars, a genuinely honest person who loved humanity more than anything in the universe. It was written that when he kissed or made love he was able to focus only on the person that he was with. His mind was empty of everything except experiencing that moment. It was said to be quite nice. It sounds quite nice. He understood people but didn’t understand the world in which they lived. He tried things his own way and changed people for the better. That is why he had to be my number one.

2. Howard Roark, The Fountainhead
Roark was actually the first person that I thought of but he was soon eclipsed by Mike. There is something incredibly sexy about someone who is incredibly passionate and rigid in their convictions even if those convictions sometimes make you an asshole. Roark was a sick fucker but I loved him and wish more people felt as passionately about their work as he did. Well, maybe not that passionate, but close.

3. Paul Mua’dib, Dune
Paul had powers. Really cool powers that let him lead people and guide a society. I’m not so sure I want to make out with Paul from the latter books because, if I recall correctly, he went a little bonkers but in this book he was an inspiration. He was a hero and he loved with all his heart. Wait, wasn’t he 15? Oops, I promise that I literally just remembered that while I was writing. Damn. Take my list down to three legitimate entries.

4. Switters, Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates.
Switters is a nutjob. He is a walking talking contradiction but he loves life and he loves women. He’s a real Indiana Jones type of guy who is appropriately reverent of other cultures. Yet, he still questions the validity of most social constructs. Plus, if he could get a nun to sleep with him he had to be offering something pretty good.

5. Pan, Jitterbug Perfume
Yes, I realize that Pan is a half-man half-goat. As you can see my list has gotten quite wonky. Pan loved the ladies and the ladies loved Pan. Sure, he smelled like a goat in heat all the time but that’s what the perfume was all about.

6. Hazel, Watership Down
Hazel is a rabbit. That is even sillier than a half-man half-goat. It doesn’t even make sense. However, if Hazel was a person, he would be right up there after Roark. Hazel was the best person a rabbit could be. He led his flock to a new home where they would be safe and thrive. He orchestrated a plan to liberate does from the clutches of an evil tyrant. He was incredibly smart and knew how to harness the strengths of those around him. He was a true leader because he knew when to follow.

7. Azlan, The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe
Sure, Azlan is a lion and an allegory for Jesus. I’m not trying to say I want to make out with Jesus or a lion. Azlan is just freaking cool. He is magic, just, wise, and brave. He would sacrifice himself for the betterment of the world and has no problem taking a kid for a ride on his back. Azlan would make a good dad.

8. Severus Snape, Harry Potter
Yeah, the man was not the most attractive. Granted, he was an evil wizard. However, his love for a woman was stronger than his loyalty to domination and control. To make it even more impressive it was a love that was unrequited. If he could feel that strongly about a woman who didn’t even love him back he was obviously a man with a lot to offer. Or else he was a total sicko. It really could go either way.

9. Winston Smith, 1984
What could possibly be kissable about a man who would turn his one true love over to a horrible oppressive government to save himself you may ask? Well here it is; Winston Smith tried. He really really tried. For a while he even succeeded. Sometimes society will crush someone and they just aren’t strong enough to resist. Winston Smith was just a regular guy and he couldn’t beat the system but I would give him a kiss for trying.

10. Smog, The Hobbit
Smog was evil. Smog had scales. Smog was a greedy money hungry killer. He was not a nice guy. However, Smog was really into himself and sometimes a rich stuck up guy can have something inexplicable going for him. He's like a dragon Bateman. I was really grasping at straws by this point people. Give me a break.

2. I prayed to/ Heaven today/ Bring its hammer down on me/ And pound you out of my head/ I can’t think with you in there. Missing, Beck

3. I spend the afternoon in cars/ I sit in traffic jams for hours/ Don’t push me I am not ok. Jumpers, Sleater Kinney

5. So they say I was sometimes cruel/ I don’t know if I would say that too/ Oh I/ I don’t know about that. Sixteen, Le Tigre

15 comments:

Mom said...

I have just 3 words for you:
Corwin
Of
Amber

Blog Antagonist said...

Alright...now I really am going to have to read The Fountainhead. You're about the 5th person to mention him. Otherwise, I'm afraid our tastes diverge quite a bit. But that's what's so interesting about this meme. I had some oddballs in my list too, but I think your goatman trumps my sociapath.

dmarks said...

Too late for it to be a spoiler now. Severus Snape is not an evil wizard.

Monica said...

also... as i said when we spoke, sick dude. those are pets. ;)

Monica said...

switters!!!!!
ok i'm gonna stop leaving comments now.

RastaManErn said...

Ro-arke! Ro-arke!

Anyway, Paul Atreides had a couple of kids, went blind, then got eaten by a sandworm. There's hope: he's being reincarnated in the new books... as a kid, though.

Natalie said...

Mom- Damn, Corwin of Amber was super hot. If I had remembered those princes I would haven't had to include non humans on my list. I always had a thing for Random and, as evil as he was Julian had something going. In fact, all of those 9 princes had something to offer, kind of.

BA- You must read it it is so incredibly awesome. I liked many of the guys on your list (Stu from The Stand and George from Of Mice and Men in particular) but I knew I never would have thought of them on my own. Maybe I should have borrowed a bit though.

Dmarks- Of course he isn't evil but you do have to have some kind of evil in you to master the dark arts and do some of the things he did. The good eclipses that though.

Monica- They are not pets, they are personified animals with a lot to offer. Your list was full of kids. I heart Switters, I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Ern- I knew he went wonky. Didn't one of his kids end up as a huge worm man? So strange.

Monica said...

i wanted to pet azlan on the head. i like to pet bunnies. but yes, i know they were "people". anyway, the "kids" on my list weren't really kids. your list is hilarious. i'm still laughing.

Auld Hat said...

Paul Mua’dib!
Paul Mua’dib!
Paul Mua’dib!
Holy smack! And yes he was 15 but I was like...13 when I first read 'Dune' so the crush was perfectly respectable.
Also you are fucking hilarious.
How did I not know this before?
I'm coming back.
Consider yourself warned.

Monica said...

you know who we left off? Bateman. we left off bateman. probably becuase he was a racist psycho but... you know... i guess you kind of gave him a nod though with smog...

kim said...

I have to comment on the files.
We moved offices in July. We also have a long tern temp that put everything away.
I don't know where anything is and she only comes one day a week.
Maybe I'll quit my job and apply for that volunteer coordinator position you have...if Mr. Yen can support me.

Mom said...

What is it with that Volunteer Coordinator position? I just don't get it. Why doesn't anyone stay at that job??? Hmm... maybe this time you can assign some of those responsibilities to your assistant, when the Powers That Be assign them back to you again...

Kiyotoe said...

That was a "different" meme.

With "different" answers...

:-) that was the best way I could say that.

Tinsie said...

Severus Snape is the hottest wizzard ever!

Jaclyn said...

yeah, patrick bateman popped up in my mind.

we must be masochists.