SOMEDAY...

Most mornings as I leave for work Tony sleepily opens his eyes and says something nice to me like, “I’ll miss you,” or “I love you,” something like that and I’ll say something nice back to him. This morning was no different except, after all the normal things he said something else, “Someday…” I asked him, “Someday what” and he sleepily replied, “Someday we can all be greasers.”

Someday we can all be greasers. As I left the room I wondered what kind of strange dream he was having and laughed to myself at the implications of that statement. What if it were true? What kind of world would greaser world be? Would it be somewhere I would want to live? Would I even know if I wanted to live there or not because it would just be the norm? Questions abounded so I just decided to go with it. What steps would we have to take to make this happen and would society be better as a result of the shift?

Step 1. Fashion
Leather will make a serious comeback. Not that I’m saying leather has ever truly gone out of style, it has always been around in some shape or form but the waist length leather jacket is generally only seen as acceptable in certain circles. It will become the “it” item. The leather pant will become acceptable everyday wear for all people, not just rock stars and prostitutes. The shiner the leather the more prestige it will have. Every male will rock a white-t. They won’t be hip-hop anymore. The size of the t-shirts will be regulated and no XXLs will be sold to people who are normal sized. Greasers don’t do baggy. Women are welcome to leather but will be encouraged to wear brightly colored Capri pants or knee-length pencil skirts. Sweaters, both long and short sleeved, will be the rage but are not to hit lower than the top of the hip, it will be acceptable to tuck them in. The bullet bra will be back in full force. The pointier the boobs are the hotter the woman will be. As far as hair goes, it is obvious we are talking grease and combs handy at all times. Neither men nor women will be exempt from this rule although the ladies will no be required to appear as if they have just com from the shower.

Step 2. Vehicles
The SUV will become completely obsolete and the muscle car will return with a vengeance. Motorcycle sales will skyrocket and every young lady who is anyone at all will ride a Vespa that matches their sweater or scarf. The sedan will be seen as the lamest of all lame vehicles. Trucks of the pick-up variety will be acceptable.

Step 3. Attitude
Smoking will no longer be banned in public places. In fact, it will be encouraged as will general loitering. Slang will be the norm because you can’t be cool and talk like a square. Rumbles will be acceptable as a last resort for settling arguments but not with heavy weaponry because only a chicken pulls a gun in a rumble. Real men fight with knives, chains, bats, and tire irons. People will be respected for their level of cool not their level of success in the traditional sense. Greasers will still want the global economy to run smoothly. Not to say that people won’t have the same jobs we do today but the pay scales for some professions will shift dramatically. The expert mechanic will be one of the highest paid professionals in the world.

So, would I enjoy life as a greaser? Is this the way that the world should head in order to solve our problems of war, greed, hate, and inequity? I admit that parts of it sound ok. Nukes would be out of the question, there is nothing greaser about killing people from hundreds of miles away. But rampant leather and smoking only promises more anger and general grossness among the population at large. I’ve always wanted a Vespa and there is something about those bullet bras that make sweaters look great. Even so, I like a variety of people. I know there are many styles of greasers and I haven’t even touched on so many aspects of greaser culture here but I think I might prefer more widespread tastes. I suppose that I’ll have to disagree with Tony. Someday, we can’t all be greasers. It just wouldn’t work.

1. My dick costs a late night fee/ Your dick got the HIV/ My dick plays on the double feature screen/ Your dick went straight to DVD.

2. Slippin’ on through the sensors/ Trippin’ over rails and fences/ Slippin’ on through the sensors/ Made of the mist in the abyss.

3. I feel unhappy/ I feel so sad/ I’ve lost the best friend/ That I ever had.

4. I really know how it feels to be/ Stressed out stressed out/ when you’re face to face with your adversity

5. Sucking on my titties like you wanted me calling me/ all the time like Blondie/ Check out my chrissy behind it's fine