************************When we were in third grade Bonnie told me that she loved me. I thought that was it. My life was set forever and ever. Like I said, I loved fairy-tales and Bonnie was my fairy princess. We would move to a mansion by the lake and have two children, either a girl and a boy or two girls but definitely not two boys, and we would be happy. We would work hard to instill the desire to change the world in our offspring and our children would be smart, talented, and beautiful. One would grow up to be president and the other would be an artist. We would be so proud. It was to be a beautiful life. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I still believe it can come true. I can never tell Bonnie this. She would say she finds me creepy then look at me like a rooster would for a good thirty seconds and never speak of it again. I would never forget that cockeyed look and it would cause a chasm to spread between us and our friendship would tumble from the precipice into the deep dark gloomy depths of the ocean where the scary blind fish with the light bulbs dangling creepily from their heads and the creepy jagged teeth live; never to emerge again.
These days Bonnie is in love with a "cool guy" named Thomas. She met him in a yoga class that she took one day on a whim. She said she never planned to go back after the first class because the teacher was just a little too much of a hippy for her. Most people think Bonnie is a hippie but really she just doesn’t like pants. Well, she likes some pants but none anywhere near as much as skirts. Pants generally look better with skirts or dresses anyway or so she tells me. I am still not sure if she is right. Anyway, this hippie teacher had the class lay on each other’s backs and picture seascapes while he played a cowbell and told them to remember to breathe. As far as I can tell, people generally don’t forget to breathe. The body kind of takes care of that on its own. Bonnie had to lay all curled up in a ball while Thomas draped himself over her in some sort of odd arched fashion and they started breathing at the same rate and the next thing you know she decided she loved him. Maybe there was more to it than that but I don't think details are all that important. What is important is that she kept going to class and, kept loving him.
I hate Thomas. I don't even pretend to like him (except when talking to Bonnie or Thomas). I think he looks like my stress ball when it exploded after repeated squeezes. I was squeezing it and it just burst open. This white foamy stuff squirted out and there were these little balls in it. Somehow, the purple ball looked like a big red pimple. I couldn’t stop squeezing it. Actually, Thomas looked nothing like an exploded stress ball but he made me feel like the exploded ball did. I just wanted to squeeze him and watch all his ooze gush out of him and leave him a hollow shell. I don’t really think of myself as a stressed person but I must have been that day for my ball to just explode like that. I try to tell myself I'm not still in love with Bonnie but I hate Thomas enough to make me think I must be. Honestly, I know that part of me really really loves her. Moreover, I am sure Thomas is gay. Definitely gay. Because he is gay he will break her heart. I would never break her heart.
I must find someone to love me so that Bonnie will realize she belongs with me and that Thomas is nothing but a big stress ball and I am like a warm bath. Ah yes, that's what I'm like, a nice warm bubble bath with rosemary oil lightly drizzled throughout and candles strategically placed around the tub and incense, nag champa incense, that had gone out ten minutes before she entered the room and things were just nice and light and aromatic. If she knew that is what I am like how could she help but realize how wonderful I would be for her. But what if I were to fall in love with this mystery person I have vowed to find? What if they turn out to be my one true love rather than Bonnie, the girl I have based my entire existence on? If that were to happen, it would prove that my life had been based on a mistruth and therefore I would have to completely reexamine everything. Shit, I can’t do that.
************************1. What if the show didn’t go on/ What if we all got jobs and got to bed before dawn/ What if Old Joe had to retire/ What if all the stagehands were let go or fired.
2. You’ve taken the fun/ Out of everything/ Making me run/ When I don’t want to think
3. Every night/ Out for love/ Get my strength from the man above/ God of pistol/ God of steel/ God is here behind my wheel
4. They love me like I was a brother/ They protect me/ Listen to me. Nice Dreams, Radiohead. Identified by Monica.
5. I said oh/ I got this feeling and it's deep in my body/ it gives me wiggles and it makes my rump shake/ I said oh