Monday, July 30, 2007


The Manic Monday word for today is MISS. To view other Manic Monday participants check out Mo at It's a Blog Eat Blog World.

There are a lot of things that I miss. Some of these things them are people, some are places, some are inanimate objects, some are feelings. People and places can be visited. Inanimate objects can be brought out of storage. Feelings, however, can rarely be recaptured once they are gone.

The feeling of summer vacations, carefree and unending left at about age eleven. After that summers got to be too long. I ran out of things to do. The warm days lost their interest and a cardboard box no longer held hours of entertainment. There weren’t enough stations on the television to keep my interest and the friends I spent past summers with we no longer next door. I could recapture glimpses of that carefree feeling in the summers that followed. Some days felt like they could go on forever as if I would never again have to do anything but the feeling was fleeting and I would realize that I wasn’t being “mature” or maybe would be distracted by a cute boy.

I miss those days. I think that vacations as an adult carry almost a desperate quality to them. The idea that you have to regain a snippet of that carefree unending feeling of weightlessness before you are forced to return to the daily grind pushes you to relax to the point of exhaustion. You know your time is limited and you know what you are returning to. By the time you are able to lose track of the date you have to snap back quickly because the date of your return is right around the corner. It doesn’t stop us from trying though. Any mere taste of that childhood freedom is a beacon of hope. That the feeling still exists somewhere out there, you just need to grab it.

I miss flying. From seven to seventeen I could fly, metaphorically that is. I could always escape on the ice. The cold wind blasting into my face brought tears to my eyes. They weren’t tears of sadness or even tears of joy; they were tears of speed. There came a point where that feeling of flight became a chore and I lost the joy. I knew it was time to quit. But I missed it. In college I tried to recapture that feeling, the tears would still come but not as often and not as strong. I couldn’t fly as fast or jump as high and the work that I would have had to put in to recapture that feeling was too much for me to handle at that point. I simply didn’t have the time. Even today I toy with the notion of getting back on the ice but I know I would be even more disappointed than I was seven years ago and I have even less time to bring that feeling back.

Not to say that there aren’t new feelings that I feel privileged to have and that I am sure I would miss just as much were they to leave. They are everywhere. Some are very comforting. I guess the feelings I miss are the ones that leave you wide open. I miss not being a grown up. Even though there is a lot in my life that is still wide open, I know that the time I have to take advantage of all that life has to experience is slowly fading. Even though I don’t know all the specifics, I have a general idea of where I am going. I like that general idea, it feels good, but I miss not knowing and I miss having all the time in the world to make up my mind.

I put 90% of my music back on my iPod. The only things that I couldn’t put back were things that I got before my computer crashed so they aren’t saved on my hard drive and were only held in the iPod itself. At least I know what those things were so that I can get them again. At least there is enough on there to have a proper shuffle game. Here we go.

1. Hey Mr. Tough/ Don’t you think we’ve suffered enough/ Why don’t you meet me on the dance floor/ When it’s time to time time. Mr. Tough, Yo La Tengo. Identified by Monica

2. All aboard/ The night train/ Miami, Florida/ Atlanta, Georgia, Raleigh, North Carolina. Night Train, James Brown. Identified by Johnny Yen

3. Good morning Worm, Your Honor/ The crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you/ Was caught red-handed showing feelings. The Trial, Pink Floyd. Identified by Johnny Yen

4. I’m so happy cause today I found my friends/ They’re in my head/ I’m so ugly that’s ok cause so are you/ Broke our mirrors. A song by Nirvana that my Mom doesn't know the name of but then recalled that it is Lithium.

5. Sittin in a park in Paris, France/ Reading the news and it sure looks bad/ They won’t give peace a chance/ That was just a dream some of us had. California, Joni Mitchell. Identified by Mom.


Johnny Yen said...

I'm sorry about your music!

It's odd-- as a teacher, I get to extend having a summer vacation. I didn't realize it then, but last summer was my last one (although I did work a lot at my second job).

#2 is James Brown's "Night Trian." The first time I remember hearing it was on the soundtrack for the movie Quadrephenia, in 1980.

#3 is Pink Floyd-- "The Trial," from "The Wall."

I remember sitting with friends in late '79 or early '80, playing the one part backward to get the "secret message," which was something like "Congratulations: you have found the secret message...."

Mom said...

I remember my last summer off, when I switched from teaching to year-round work, and I definitely remember feeling like I wished I had spent it differently.

And I'm only now starting to experience at a gut level the reality that there are possibilities in the world that are no longer options for me. Such as having more children, or water-skiing. There are other things that I have chosen to not experience, such as eating meat. But I certainly have a sense of fewer likely possibilities; some of this feels like helpful, comforting structure and some of it feels like unwanted restriction. And yeah, there is never enough vacation time...

#4 is I'm So Happy, by Nirvana. And #5 is California, by Joni Mitchell. Ironic shuffle.

Jamie said...

Summers just aren't the same when we grow up.... Once upon a time they were long long stretches of joyous time. Now they just peek in and disappear.

Mom said...


Sorry. My bad.

Mert said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes I dread going on vacation because I know that the second it begins I will be counting down the days until it's over, which makes it hard for me to enjoy myself.

Which, now that I write it all out, it sounds so neurotic and stoopid. ;)

I really need to relax i guess, LOL!

I really enjoyed your post, happy MM!

Monica said...

1 mr tough - yo la tengo

I Was Born2Cree8 said...

That's really great writing, interesting mixture of emotions and memories.

I have a project that I am asking everyones help with. On my blog you will find a Post It note at the top that will explain everything. Thanks for checking it out, and my MM post too if you have time.

Mrs. Loquacious said...

I can totally empathize; I miss "summers" too. As a teacher I have 2 months "off," but as an adult I don't really ever have time off. I still have to pay bills, buy groceries, clean the home, etc. etc. There isn't that utter and total relaxation and escape that I used to enjoy as a kid. Even vacations now entail having to look after every detail.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again.

Natalie said...

Johnny Yen- I never tried to play the secret message. Maybe because I didn't have a record player in college.

Mom- I'm sure if I really wanted some options they are still there. I was maybe a little melodramatic.

Jamie- Now all I feel I do is complain about how it is too hot and then get one or two great weekends in here and there.

Mert- I need to relax too. There is no sense in turning the glimpses of relaxation we get as adults to times of worry.

Monica- Yeah! That song is just so cute.

Iwasborn- I enjoyed your project. Thanks for stopping by.

Mrs. L- Parts of being a kid again would be really cool. I don't think I would want to go back to teenage years but actual kiddom sounds awesome.

Lola Gets said...

I jus tstarted doing a Manic Mondays myself! However, mine will feature crazed, hard-core, truly strange music instead of insightful commentary. But you should check it out anyways!