WHAT ARE WE LIVING FOR?

With Tony’s help, I got the glass out of my foot last night. It was a team effort of hot bowls of water, sterilized needles, and patience. I can walk with much less pain now. I can’t believe I walked around with that glass in my foot for so long. I honestly thought it was out of my foot and I was just having residual pain. Boy was I wrong. That was a big old piece of glass. I wonder why it was so hard to find before? I mean maybe it was just working its way out and was closer to the surface than it was Wednesday. Either way I’m feeling frisky and fine.

My Mom sent me pictures from Christmas. I thought about putting a few of them up but since I don’t have permission I will put up one of just me. This is me putting up one of the Natalie ornaments. I have two like this. One I think my parents got and one my grandparents but I could be wrong. It is a festive ball with a snowy sled scene and the year of my birth, 1979. There is one Shoshana ornament that says 1982. For some reason hers is pink and mine are blue. I don’t think it has anything to do with me being a boy though. Shoshana and I also have sled shaped ornaments with our names embroidered on them in Hebrew. We are diverse and stuff.

While I was looking at the Christmas pictures I started thinking that it would be nice to have a house like theirs and how I probably never will. Even if I am eventually able to buy someplace to live in Chicago, I doubt it will be a nice old house like theirs. I just don’t think I’ll be able to afford it. That got me thinking more about where I want to be in life and what is really important. Do I even care enough about Chicago to buy something here? The answer is that I really don’t know. I am pretty ambivalent to Chicago. I like it fine but don’t love it. When I think of places to move New York always comes up but I’d be even less likely to find a home for myself there and I do want a home of some sort so New York is somewhat out of the question. When I was driving around Minneapolis there were so many condos and homes for sale and the prices were so reasonable. It kind of pissed me off. Not that the places were anything I could afford but they were reasonable and big. Not that I really want to move back to Minneapolis. To get the kind of space I always pictured myself having I would have to go somewhere I don’t particularly want to be, namely the South. I’m not moving down South.

I guess maybe I just have to reevaluate my priorities and really decide what it is that I want. Do I want to stay here? Do I want to move somewhere else? Do I want a house with a yard? Can I even have one if I want it? All these questions are just too much sometimes. It seems like something a grown-up should decide. Which, of course, is me but that isn’t the point. I guess I just always thought that things would be a lot easier than they turned out to be. Maybe most people did. Maybe if I had made different choices things would have been easier. The question is would I be happier in that easy life? What would I have to complain about? Obviously everyone has problems of some sort so I guess there would be plenty to keep my mind occupied.
I was just talking to one of my students who was talking about how ready he is to be an adult and I thought back to myself at 20 and realized I thought I was ready to be an adult too. I thought I was an adult. At 27 I feel less adult than I did at 20. I wonder why that is? I certainly know more and am a more mature and reasonable human being. What is it then that makes someone feel truly grown up? Will I ever feel that way? I really hope so. I get that we can always learn and grow as people but at some point I would like to be able to confidently assert my adultness. Maybe that is something that solidifies with children. I guess I think it would be better to have children when I already have a firm grasp on adulthood. Maybe I am asking too much. I know I have a while before kids anyway. I think maybe I need to do some goal setting. I haven’t formally set any goals for myself since graduating from college. I have had ideas and made plans but never any real lofty goals that I could work for every day of my life and feel great about accomplishing. I tend to shy away from goals and always have. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to not achieve them. I generally achieve the really important things. Huh. Something to think about.

Something else to think about is why I want to feel settled down and grown up in the first place. Is it some innate human desire or is it just the way I am wired. Does everyone feel the need to nest? To what degree do people experience these needs and are some people more apt to nest than others? Who knows?

Let the shuffle decide.

Prenzlauerberg, Berlin- I discovered this band on the blog of someone who I unfortunately don’t remember at all. I feel kind of bad about that. Either way this "Gulag Orkestar" album of theirs is pretty freakin good. Then again I have no idea what their lyrics are about although some of them do seem to be in English, maybe. I hope I’m not listening to some awful stuff.

October Sky, Isobel Campbell- Oh why did she ever leave Belle and Sebastian? I know she put out a great album but then what? Why not stay with the coolest band ever and just go do a little side project? People do that all the time. Oh well. Belle and Sebastian don’t seem to have suffered all that much from her loss. I feel like I know this song. Does anyone else know a song called October Sky that has no words and is rather jazzy?

Executioner of Love, The Dirtbombs- I don’t think I have ever heard of this band before. It kind of reminds me of “Heaven On My Mind” meets “Paranoid” meets “And I Love Her”. That is actually not a bad description. I thought it may have got out of hand but now I think I was pretty right on.