Wednesday, January 03, 2007

WHAT ARE WE LIVING FOR?

With Tony’s help, I got the glass out of my foot last night. It was a team effort of hot bowls of water, sterilized needles, and patience. I can walk with much less pain now. I can’t believe I walked around with that glass in my foot for so long. I honestly thought it was out of my foot and I was just having residual pain. Boy was I wrong. That was a big old piece of glass. I wonder why it was so hard to find before? I mean maybe it was just working its way out and was closer to the surface than it was Wednesday. Either way I’m feeling frisky and fine.

My Mom sent me pictures from Christmas. I thought about putting a few of them up but since I don’t have permission I will put up one of just me. This is me putting up one of the Natalie ornaments. I have two like this. One I think my parents got and one my grandparents but I could be wrong. It is a festive ball with a snowy sled scene and the year of my birth, 1979. There is one Shoshana ornament that says 1982. For some reason hers is pink and mine are blue. I don’t think it has anything to do with me being a boy though. Shoshana and I also have sled shaped ornaments with our names embroidered on them in Hebrew. We are diverse and stuff.

While I was looking at the Christmas pictures I started thinking that it would be nice to have a house like theirs and how I probably never will. Even if I am eventually able to buy someplace to live in Chicago, I doubt it will be a nice old house like theirs. I just don’t think I’ll be able to afford it. That got me thinking more about where I want to be in life and what is really important. Do I even care enough about Chicago to buy something here? The answer is that I really don’t know. I am pretty ambivalent to Chicago. I like it fine but don’t love it. When I think of places to move New York always comes up but I’d be even less likely to find a home for myself there and I do want a home of some sort so New York is somewhat out of the question. When I was driving around Minneapolis there were so many condos and homes for sale and the prices were so reasonable. It kind of pissed me off. Not that the places were anything I could afford but they were reasonable and big. Not that I really want to move back to Minneapolis. To get the kind of space I always pictured myself having I would have to go somewhere I don’t particularly want to be, namely the South. I’m not moving down South.

I guess maybe I just have to reevaluate my priorities and really decide what it is that I want. Do I want to stay here? Do I want to move somewhere else? Do I want a house with a yard? Can I even have one if I want it? All these questions are just too much sometimes. It seems like something a grown-up should decide. Which, of course, is me but that isn’t the point. I guess I just always thought that things would be a lot easier than they turned out to be. Maybe most people did. Maybe if I had made different choices things would have been easier. The question is would I be happier in that easy life? What would I have to complain about? Obviously everyone has problems of some sort so I guess there would be plenty to keep my mind occupied.
I was just talking to one of my students who was talking about how ready he is to be an adult and I thought back to myself at 20 and realized I thought I was ready to be an adult too. I thought I was an adult. At 27 I feel less adult than I did at 20. I wonder why that is? I certainly know more and am a more mature and reasonable human being. What is it then that makes someone feel truly grown up? Will I ever feel that way? I really hope so. I get that we can always learn and grow as people but at some point I would like to be able to confidently assert my adultness. Maybe that is something that solidifies with children. I guess I think it would be better to have children when I already have a firm grasp on adulthood. Maybe I am asking too much. I know I have a while before kids anyway. I think maybe I need to do some goal setting. I haven’t formally set any goals for myself since graduating from college. I have had ideas and made plans but never any real lofty goals that I could work for every day of my life and feel great about accomplishing. I tend to shy away from goals and always have. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to not achieve them. I generally achieve the really important things. Huh. Something to think about.

Something else to think about is why I want to feel settled down and grown up in the first place. Is it some innate human desire or is it just the way I am wired. Does everyone feel the need to nest? To what degree do people experience these needs and are some people more apt to nest than others? Who knows?

Let the shuffle decide.

Prenzlauerberg, Berlin- I discovered this band on the blog of someone who I unfortunately don’t remember at all. I feel kind of bad about that. Either way this "Gulag Orkestar" album of theirs is pretty freakin good. Then again I have no idea what their lyrics are about although some of them do seem to be in English, maybe. I hope I’m not listening to some awful stuff.

October Sky, Isobel Campbell- Oh why did she ever leave Belle and Sebastian? I know she put out a great album but then what? Why not stay with the coolest band ever and just go do a little side project? People do that all the time. Oh well. Belle and Sebastian don’t seem to have suffered all that much from her loss. I feel like I know this song. Does anyone else know a song called October Sky that has no words and is rather jazzy?

Executioner of Love, The Dirtbombs- I don’t think I have ever heard of this band before. It kind of reminds me of “Heaven On My Mind” meets “Paranoid” meets “And I Love Her”. That is actually not a bad description. I thought it may have got out of hand but now I think I was pretty right on.

15 comments:

Mom said...

Glad to hear the glass is out!

Much thanks to Tony for his help.

You definitely seem to have entered an interesting area of life. From my perspective, you were an extremely goal-oriented kid and you pursued your aims with single-minded persistence rarely seen in one so young. Probably you needed a several-years break from feeling, perhaps, over-driven? Whatever you decide for your next steps, I know it will be fantastic. Because you are fantastic. And remember, you can always form new goals whenever the old ones no longer feel right.

As for my own journey, well, I've got all sorts of ideas. But I can't find my house and car keys. Hmm. (smile. just kidding. but really, I honestly don't know where my keys are.)

Love,
Mom

notfearingchange said...

crap you and I are going thru the same thing! I get older and i still think i'm 12 - well with the ability to drink, vote and money to spend. I want to have it all...and i think i may try to in a bit...wait to see my future posts....

*sigh*

ah well!

should-be-working said...

Love the pic. You have a very warm smile. Stepping on glass is the WORST. Glad you got that taken care of. Hope your holiday was awesome. :)

Katrina said...

That glass story reminded me of one of my own. I'll have to blog about it soon. Mine was in my right wrist though. Glad to here it's out and you're doing better.

I'm late but...Happy New Year!

I'm going to be 37 in March and I don't feel like a grownup yet. I act like one when I need to but I don't feel it and don't want to.

I do have a home and a husband though, that's part of the acting like one part. Heh

So stay young but act grown up when needed, it's the best way to be.

Michael C said...

As I sat in a restaurant with my wife and twins who are now 4 last night, I had thoughts about growing up. I'm still a big kid, but must also be an adult now with kids who are growing up so fast. It's pretty surreal. You go through the momentous occaisions in your life one day and then wake up to realize you must've grown up at some point.
;-)

CSG said...

Wow, I think we all feel the same. I know it sounds too serious but I think it's part of the consumism era we are living. We want more and more, and there is always more out there. Our parents didn't have all the spare time we do.

I'm 31, with husband and own home (60m2 condo). But still, I don't feel a grownup. I actually enjoy not feeling a grownup. You look great, so I guess you also enjoy it!

ShadowFalcon said...

I think at 20 your so busy trying to be serious and grown up that you feel old and want to seen as mature etc but as you get older your forget to care and get to be a kid again

Brooke said...

Friend, I can't believe you felt like a grown up at 20. I remember those days, and we were some dumb ass youth. Then again, in a lot of ways we were more productive than we are now, so I sort of get it. Full of promise and whatnot. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't have the desire to nest. If anything, I feel antsy because I should be seeing more of the world or something while I still have my youth. Perhaps I'm deluding myself and I'll have a complete breakdown at 30. We'll see.

Julie said...

I relate to a lot of things you just said. Especially the Chicago vs. somewhere else part. Like word for word, I thought I reading my own writing when you spoke of the cost of buying a house, is Chicago really where I want to be, etc. And growing up? I felt the same way at 20 - that I just couldn't wait to be a "grown up". And for what? So I can have a day job at a beauty school and be in plays sometimes? I still don't know what the hell I want. Maybe I'll move to rural Iowa and start a pig farm. Mmmm...bacon. Traif!

Natalie said...

Mom- I was goal oriented as a kid but I hated making goals if that makes sense. Hope you found your keys.

Not Fearing- I'm looking forward to those posts! I have to say I feel about 18 at least.

Should Be- Thanks! I plan on not stepping on glass in the near future.

katrina- Glass in the wrist sounds very dangerous. Easier to walk but quite scary. You have agood point about acting old and feeling young. I can try.

Michael- I am pretty good about sittig around and realizing things happened a while ago. Sounds like a plan.

CSG- I am all about consumption maybe I just need to relax about that a bit. I do tend to enjoy things Thanks!

Shadow- Words of wisdom once again.

Friend- Yeah when we were 20 we were some dumb ass youth, but productive youth with plans. Traveling isn't incompatible with nesting but it can be harder cause byuing a nest and buying travel are both crappy. I can see you now "30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 AAAHHH I'm 29 it's my 29th birthday"

Julie- Iowa and pig farming sounds awful but that's case I've never even mowed a lawn. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in this though. Chicago is one of those real comfortable places where you can not love it but be content enough to stay. But why is it so expensive? Anyway, getting marrie dis such a grow-up thing to do. Yo uare well on your way.

Eve said...

I think that the more you know, the more you realize you don't know, and that it's impossible to know it all!

Also, I'm a native Chicagoan, and I love it! Gorgeous green spaces (if you live near the lake), interesting culture, great food, down to earth people, hub airport.

Mom said...

Yeah, I found the keys. They were in the bottom of my purse all along. The little green one -- how on earth could I lose anything in that tiny purse???

Yeah, it makes sense that pursuing goals and making goals are different. Maybe you stuck with the old ones so long because it seemed like such a drag to go make new ones? I dunno...

Brooke said...

HA! Yeah, I'll have to make sure there is a good tree to hug nearby when I turn 30. Love you friend!

Oh, The Joys said...

That is the cutest picture EVER.

Natalie said...

Eve- There is nothing wrong with Chicago, I just don't know if it is my home.

Mom- maybe you are right, i hate doing new things.

Joys- Thanks a million!