Friday, January 12, 2007


Before I get started I wanted to add that the Bestest Blog Carnival is happening tomorrow and the focus is on animal posts. I submitted my post about the ghost fish. Check out the carnival at Morgen's Blog for more information. The banner was created by Janna. You got to give credit where credit is due.

I think I figured out what I was trying to say yesterday about clutter. I think I dreamt part of the solution and I was all set to sally forth upon waking and fix the world, then I turned the water on in the shower and promptly forgot it all. Although the dream hasn’t come back to me yet, and it probably never will, I feel like I am at some sort of crossroads. Unfortunately, I don’t know if either road is the right path and they both seem blocked.

I feel the need for movement, some sort of a new beginning. The questions are how, where, and what. I think part of the conversation I had yesterday with a co-worker who needed do get rid of some things in their life really got me thinking. There really is a lot of unnecessary stuff around cluttering up my mind.

One path would allow me to go all fortress of solitude and take some time and try to figure things out. Yet, in order to do that, I would have to cut everything important out of my life and that really isn’t an option. This leaves me wondering how I can fit in some serious self-examination without alienating everyone close to me that I love and that I need to be around. I don’t think it is entirely possible.

This leads me to the other path, immersing myself in something to the point of cathartic release. I need to get so incredibly passionate about something that I wake up thinking about it needing to learn about it and understand every part of it. The problem with that path is there is too much clutter around for me to see what that something is. I can’t get there from here.

I know I need to find a career. I know I need to go back to school. I know I need to exercise my brain because I can feel it getting stupider by the second. I just am wondering why I am stalling. I was pretty set on becoming a teacher, and I am still thinking about it pretty seriously. I am just wondering if that is really where my passion is. If so, then why haven’t I gotten more involved in making it happen? Why do I have no interest in going to information sessions or even figuring out what requirements I have already met and what I still have left to do? Is teaching really going to fulfill my needs?

If not, the question becomes what do I want to do? I think my problem is that I have too many interests. I want to learn about everything and I can’t make myself specialize. That is part of why college was so rewarding, I could study anything and everything I wanted to and it was wonderful. Now, even if there were such a thing as Master of Liberal Arts I wouldn’t want it because I know it wouldn’t get me closer to some tangible career goal.

I suppose I feel that if I can clear out all the clutter around me that I’ll be able to figure something out. That I can see a clear goal through the mess of crap that clouds my vision. Maybe I just need to clean my house.

None of yesterday's songs were guesses so here they are again.

1. True love will find you in the end, you'll find out just who is your friend.

2. Hey girl stop what you're doing. Hey girl you'll drive me to ruin.

3. Girl, the only thing that matters in my life is that I'm down for you and treat you right.

4. Born to be a god among salesmen. Working the skinny tie.

5. Come along with me to my little corner of the world.


Steven Novak said...

"If not, the question becomes what do I want to do? I think my problem is that I have too many interests"

I can certanily relate to this statement.


Monica said...

so you know the song about which you said I was the only hope? Well I cheated to find out what it was and yeah. I only recognize "that artist" by song if I hear it except for 2 songs. Good luck with that though. Oh and I'll be back Tuesday.

CSL said...

I seriously believe that clutter can ruin your life. Mine, anyway. So I periodically go into a frenzy and start ridding the house of excess things. Nothing is safe. One day last year I asked my husband, "Do you ever think about what you'd get rid of if I died?" He said, "No, but I'm taking note of the fact that you do."

Mom said...

There actually is such a thing as a master's degree in liberal arts. But I don't think you'd like it. And you're right, it doesn't provide one with a marketable career direction.

It would be boring to only be intersted in and good at one thing. You're not boring.

And most people change careers (not just jobs, but careers) a whole bunch of times in their lives. So you don't have to settle on just one "forever" thing. Look for where some of your most absorbing (and "fun") interests and values intersect.

Lizza said...

Gah, being uncertain about which direction your life is taking can be such a drag. But your mom gives great advice! (Moms usually do) ;-)

notfearingchange said...

clutter...*sigh* boss asked me today in quite a heated moment "AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE FROM 1999"....i said she was "freaking me out and wanting me to clear my clutter"...
but instead i came home and hugged my clutter...
as much of a mover i am...i stillkeep my shoeboxes

Blondie said...

I think no matter where we are in life or how much we have done, we always think, "What Do I Really Want?" Which is why I love the movie Swimming with Sharks with Kevin Spacey and the book Henderson the Rain King by Saul Bellow. I highly recommend both! :)

Jaclyn said...

I can totally sympathize with you right now, Nat.

Just remember, we're Geminis, so it's kind of pointless for us to ever expect to be happy doing just one thing well. We want to do many things well, otherwise our lives are not satisfying.

I just think that this is the time when all these sorts of things start coming to a head for all of us...30 is looming up ahead, and damn do we want to have all this figured out by then!

At least, that's kind of how I feel.

You'll figure it out. Hang in there.


CSG said...

Well, I'm a taurus and have the same doubts about my life right now. I need a change, but that would mean leaving the ones I love behind. I don't think I'm ready. But I NEED a change.

Always on the Move said...

I've been feeling the same lately and it's actually quite scary, and quite frustrating at the same time. You just want to figure things out RIGHT NOW and almost want to be told what you should do and how from some one and then you just want to feel that it's the right answer. But it's way harder than that. Life isn't easy, and it sure makes us think and keep going and putting energy into everything just to keep us going. Life is about traveling and exploring and finding out about what we believe in and what we like and dislike. I wish you the best of luck Natalie. Keep us up-dated!

With Love, Fat Girl said...

Don't go looking for your passions so much as allowing yourself to be open to them.

I've found out, very much the hard way, that these things in life tend to find you, instead of vice versa. Good luck!

ShadowFalcon said...

If you can find a new beginning then take it!

I know how you feel, I'm dying to just start fresh...

RastaManErn said...

Don't sweat it, Natty. I'm already 30 and am thinking about a career change. I've worked in all sorts of places, but I figured out that it's not so much knowing what you want to do, but moreso being really organised and informed, so that you can make a plan, so that you can be motivated, so that you can find people with similar interests, so that you can stay motivated, run-on sentence, help me I can't stop myself, etc.

Sandra said...

Clutter can totally ruin your life. Lucky for me I married a person who is practically allergic to clutter so it saves me from my self.

I totally get the life direction uncertainty thing. The certainty will come though. It will.

Anne said...

Hi, am a newbie..I enjoy this blog, its on my list..55 million blogs on the net, some gotta be good and this one I love to stalk...thought-provoking but refreshing...

Mood Indigo said...

wow - great comments!

I am coming off of YEARS of wondering what the hell to do with my life. And I wasn't lazy about it either - I took classes, got involved in organizations, networked etc. etc. - my point is, you unfortunately don't know, until you know. I think I'm on the brink of knowing having finally gotten to a point where the steps to figure it out feel into place (rather than me trying to force them into place).

It's such a challenge to be patient - to trust that time sorts things out (and time doesn't let you off the hook, there are things you can do - but you can't "force" passion.). It's hard when you're a passionate person (which I know you are!) to wait for the next wave to strike. I'm probably not being very helpful but my point is a) I feel ya and b) it will come!

Natalie said...

Wow everyone! Thanks for all the wonderful comments.

Steve- For some reason that does not surprise me about you.

Monica- You are back now. I need to call you.

Csl- I hope no one I know dies because the clutter factor in my life would easily double. I envy you.

Mom- Good advice as usual, I guess that's why I call you mom.

Lizza- Here here. Maybe that is why you give good advice?

Notfearing- I have many shoeboxes. I once tried to use them to organize my closet. Stupid idea. They are now just piled in the closet empty making more clutter.

Blondie- I'll have to check those things out! I am a huge fan of both Kevin Spacey and Saul Bellow.

Jaclyn- So true I would like to have it all figured out. I hope it happens. If it doesn't I might go crazy and just pick something. I wonder how long MCAT scores are good for???

Natalie said...

CSG- I hope you can find a way to have a change and keep the things you love. We shouldn't have to make such hard choices but I guess that's life.

Alwaysmovin- Glad you could post a comment finally! I suppose you are a big advocate for change since you are on the move and all. Maybe a move would do me good?

Withlove- I have been in letting it find me mode for a while; it has worked in some cases but not so much in others.

Shadow- I think the problem is maybe I don't know where to look?

Ern- so right, so right. The day I get organized would be about seven years ago. My organization has since left the building. I guess that is the first step.

Sandra- Thanks, I unfortunately live with a clutterwhore like myself so we are both in a mess of trouble.

Anne- Hi and welcome. I like stalkers. Come back and lurk (or comment) anytime. Thanks for the kind words!

Mood- From what I understand of your journey, truer words were never spoken. For me it's a mix of letting things happen naturally and finding enough personal inertia to guide myself in the right direction.